btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
