when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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