the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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