Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
