I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
