I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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