if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
