you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
