dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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