angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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