It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
