i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
