Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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