If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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