No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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