I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
