Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
