I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
