He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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