And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
