You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
