I puked a lego.
I wish I only lived at night.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
