Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
