He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
