So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
