never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize