dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
me + whiskey = a bad person
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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