I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
