It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
