smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just threw up on my dentist
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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