i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
