During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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