i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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