i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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