I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
