my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
