toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
