My liver just broke up with me...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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