I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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