Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
