I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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