Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize