Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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