mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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