I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
