I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
