remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
