we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
