I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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