Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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