My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
