saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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