had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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