my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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