I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
