I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
