I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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