She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
