i barfeds in our rink
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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