i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
